Under Pressure

From Catron:

The week between mom finding out she had a motor-neuron disease and then actually being diagnosed with ALS was probably one of the hardest weeks, at least for me. There was this big, dark, and ridiculously scary cloud on the horizon and while I sort of knew what it would bring, I didn’t know. That week fell over Thanksgiving so we were, thankfully, able to make it through that week with each other and with family. That also made it harder though because you can always (at least you hope you can always) be your true self with family. That made for a weekend where laughter and tears both popped up regularly.

There are a lot of crappy things about ALS and a lot of unfair things. One of the most unfair things in mom’s progression is that, even before she was officially diagnosed, she couldn’t cry. When you cry, your throat constricts and that’s why some of us talk a little higher when upset. For mom, ALS is already constricting those muscles a bit so when she gets upset, they constrict even more and make it hard for her to breathe which causes her to feel panicky, which makes it even harder to breathe, etc.

Can you imagine, being faced with a possible ALS diagnosis and dealing with all of the symptoms she has and not being able to cry about it? It was and is absolutely heartbreaking.

Laughing poses the same challenges as crying. Her throat gets tighter and it’s harder for her to bring in air. So, with that being said, we’ve decided to stop laughing.

Just kidding. While it is as hard for her to laugh as it is to cry, she says that laughing is way more fun!

The snicks. Do you know what they are? They are like little laugh seeds that bloom best under compression. They are planted by a funny noise, or a funny thought, or a friend whispering an inside joke at the most inopportune time and they sit there, knowing that they shouldn’t bloom yet, knowing that the preacher is in the middle of his sermon or the teacher is going through questions for the upcoming quiz. They sit there gaining strength. You take a deep but shaky breath. You think you’ve gotten them under control. But then they start to bloom with a little laugh that sneaks through and that’s all it takes to open the flood gates. Before you know it, you’re in tears on the floor all because of that little laugh seed that has now exploded. The snicks.

Well, mom got the snicks last week after PT and I honestly have not laughed that hard in a very long time. And I laugh a LOT! This bout of the snicks was brought on by something in mom’s head that just made her do a little giggle, compose herself, little giggle, compose herself, bigger giggle, BOOM! What happened after that is what almost gave me a panic attack because I couldn’t see an end to it. I was going to spend the rest of my life laughing as hard as I’ve ever laugh and I was panicking! 

Because mom’s throat is tighter, when she is laughing (or crying) and tries to bring air in quickly, she honks, like a goose. A cute goose if you ask me but a goose none the less. We know about the honking. It’s funny, but it’s not new. What is new is this higher pitched laugh that I have never heard her make before. It comes out of nowhere and seems to take on a life of its own. Here’s proof and if you aren’t laughing by the end of this, well then, I’m sorry.

So, here’s to laughing so hard your nose runs! 

By the way, this video was taken at least 5 minutes into this full blown laugh attack and the laughing went on for at least another 10 minutes. Now you can understand my panic! 

Oh, and please disregard mom's scarf bow or ascot, if you will. She had positional vertigo due to her fall and she was not supposed to look down (or up) so the bow helped her remember. It also, in my opinion, really makes this video pop.