Team23+

WORDS  (not funny) - by M

When I was a sophomore in college, I took a psychology course in summer school. One of those 200 students stuffed in a hot stadium seating old classroom at 8 am classes. The teacher was a young, very geeky, slightly too hairy visiting professor. He asked us to call him Paul. He managed to fascinate this group of unmotivated sleepy students - well at least one of us. When we came in to class he was usually sitting yogi style on the table at the front of the classroom with his too big Birkenstocks neatly placed on the floor in front of him. One morning he wasn't there. About the time we were deciding to bail for the coffee shop, he walked in the back of the room and said “Masturbation.  Repeat after me, masturbation". Confused and uncomfortable,we responded weakly. He continued his prompt maybe 20 times as he walked to his table while we responded with more confidence and volume with every repetition. When he got to his table and settled himself, he looked around the room and said "is anyone still uncomfortable saying or hearing the word “masturbation”?  Okay, now we can discuss it".

Harry Potter says, “a word you can't speak has power over you.” 

I'm fascinated by words. Phoebe thinks there are too many of them. I collect them. I think they are our most power weapon and ally. I am usually not afraid of them. Some are fun to say like falafel and onomatopoeia.  Some represent my answer to world peace - tolerance and kindness. There are words I could never hear again and be just fine - like ointment, gristle and panties. Words that make my heart hurt like cruelty and stupidity. Words that I don't use because they are too adult, too personal and too awkward like masturbation, intercourse and die.

Talking (typing) to our hospice social worker last week, I started a sentence with "After I die..."  It was one of those moments when multiple strong contradictory emotions and revelations all collide in your brain.  The strongest was the revelation that I had not used those words before. I didn't think I had been avoiding them but apparently I had. Anybody who has done their homework knows ALS has a 99% mortality rate. This is not news. So Paul and Harry Potter, I am using the words.

I am going to die. No more "when the time comes", or "at the end" or "after I'm gone".  I am going to die.  Maybe tomorrow if lightning strikes, maybe in 20 years if I'm in line for a miracle. The next feeling was the unexpected relief of having spoken the words. No more being politically correct with myself. No more dancing around the word because I don't want to upset anyone or make them uncomfortable.

Everyone's assignment now is to repeat the words 17 more times. Is anyone still uncomfortable saying or hearing "You are going to die?” 
Okay, now we can discuss it".


-M